Time For Change, For Good, For Real

We're going a long way here when I tell you this after absence for what, a year and a half? Well, let's see, what's happened so far?

March 2009: I quit the job I had back in Düsseldorf when the borderline wife and her loser husband (one of my bosses at the time) started bitching at people and making accusations that were far from acceptable for work (or any other situation in life).

June 2009: I start a job at an online dialog marketing agency here in Frankfurt. My job title is officially "judicial project manager" but really, for months nobody knows how to handle me. I start out managing projects but by the turn of the year 2009/2010 I am asked whether I'd enjoy sales instead, which I say I do. That's the job I still have.

To round it up, and I'm leaving a lot of details aside here, I am not so happy where I am. Again. Makes you think, doesn't it, especially with my "job carrier" that basically consists of jobs here and there that I never excelled in, or particularly enjoyed either, for that matter.

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to see friends for dinner after we had hit the gym. Now, as we walk in yesterday night we run into Margot, another friend and guest of theirs that night, and one of the first things she says is, "So, have you done something with your language talent?" I shake my head in embarrassment, "No, I haven't. I'd love to but don't know how."

The topic changes, and we start talking about all sorts of other things until at some point it comes up again, and all of a sudden I hear myself say how much I despise my job, how it's getting worse by the week, and how much I'd love to do something else. While I was at it I noticed that only a portion of my unhappiness is actually linked to my current job. Really it probably had much more to do with the fact that I have never been courageous enough to take the leap that was necessary for me to enjoy my job. All my life I have been cowardly tip-toeing along the gap that I must cross, back and forth, wasting my time and energy on things I thought I needed to do because everything else would be a perceived waste of (education) time.

So Margot says to me, "What would you like to do?" And instinctively I say, "I don't know, and I hate that I don't! You can't imagine how much I'd like to know what I'd like to do!"

Not the least bit impressed by my answer, she goes, "I think you know what you want to do. What is it?" And I say, "I want to ENTERTAIN, WRITE, and COACH." Just like that.

And she said, "So go do it!"

[silence]

There it is.

Entertain, write, coach.

That's exactly what I have always enjoyed the most.

So many people have told me they love my speeches, how they like me to guide through an event on stage, how they enjoy reading this blog. And I have always written. Since the age of 12 I kept a diary, and when the Internet had grown enough, I blogged as well. And last but not least, people have often asked me for guidance about their job and love life, and for all I know they turned out very happy after a healthy talk with me.

Now what does all this mean?

Well, for now it means that I need to change something, rather sooner than later, because one of the friends we visited last night is perfectly right in saying, "You better change your life for good now because if you don't, what will happen is that you'll be fired eventually because you'll never enjoy any job in somebody else's company, and if things go really badly you'll be too old to get any other job anymore."

Being the child of two extremely capitalistic parents, I am having a very hard time letting go of the illusion of financial security of a steady job, but I will find a concept that will pay the bills and make me happy. And in turn, it'll make the people happy that I will be in touch with professionally, be it my audience, my readers, or the coachees.

Last night was short and very unquiet for me, and I got up an hour earlier than usual, sat down and wrote down a few things that I hope will pave my future. One of the first steps will probably be to talk to my bosses about altering my job to a part-time model or something similar. And if my current boss remembers the URL to this blog, the genie will get out of the bottle eventually anyway.

I have been anxious and nervous for months, and every now and then it's accompanied by powerlessness. And I am anxious even now. Only now, with this sense of sun dawning at the horizon, it seems to be rather pushing than depressing me.

To the wonderful people I spent yesterday night with, I don't know anything else to say than,

"Thank you with all my heart! It feels like until yesterday night I had been holding my breath for a long time. I am so grateful to call you my friends."

I am sitting in the office, and my eyes are watering.

To a happy and very funny future!