What's going on in San Diego

Starting note in German: Ich mach das hier mal auf Englisch, weil ich möchte, dass das auch meine amerikanischen Freunde lesen können.

Hey guys, I know I haven't written here in quite a while. That's not because nothing happened but because I have been constantly busy doing other things, and the time I had for myself I didn't want to spend on writing. The weeks before my holiday passed me like a dream anyway. My life is experiencing another spin, and a part of the moodswings I used to know pretty well about five years back seem to be back in business.

Right now I am sitting on the couch of an incredibly generous friend who is hosting me here in San Diego, California for the three weeks I'll be spending my summer holidays here. Let's call him Doug. Some of you I have already told about him, and how excited I was about meeting him.

There will be tons of things to be read in my holiday report, I can tell already now. But for now let me get down to two very essential points.

First of all, Doug is the great person I thought he would be. Generous, extremely attractive, funny, laid back, and one of the greatest listeners I have met in my life. Me meeting him -- somebody who hadn't had anybody stay with him in the past two years -- was a leap probably even greater for him than for me. He has taken a lot of hurdles in his life, I can tell from both his stories and his nature, and he is providing me with great help to master another life lesson.

What that is?

Frankly, it is to let go of my fear of rejection and be who I am. Some time ago I posted an entry here in which I let you know about exactly this fear and the pertaining circumstances. Something I didn't tell (or know) at that time is my way of trying to get close to somebody fast, also by using sex as a means to bond him to me. As long as this man desires you sexually, my subconscious figured, you will feel wanted and thereby good. It's the opposite of being rejected after all.

Doug has an incredible way to analyze things for (and with) me. This is the deal.

I had come here to leap into a partnership, also by the means of having sex. I have read Buddhist books that told me that we need to be happy all by ourselves and that we can never be happy through a relationship, only in one. But no matter how hard I try, I have been aware that when I'm not in a relationship, a piece of my life is missing.

I spoke openly with him about it as we both felt the pressure I was imposing on him, and myself, actually. Doug has been showing me a mirror image of myself so clear that again I am wondering why I didn't see this myself before.

My desire to come together with him both sexually and partnership-wise, and the pertaining pressure that comes along with this are so big -- would be so big for anybody -- that I have pressured Doug immensely.

If you are reading this and think, "Duh, that's obvious", then I have made a good effort to lay it out for you, and myself. Here comes the weird part. I am now on holiday, spending my time with Doug, a man I respect greatly, probably more than I have realized myself. However, with him retreating more and more because of my pressuring, I have started to feel a pressure also on my own chest because I realize that whatever I try, I'm not able to manipulate him the way I have hoped to be able to. Yes, that's a "manipulate". I'm so good at acting myself that sometimes I don't notice it myself but a lot of things I do are actually products of my fear of rejection and the logical result, my endeavors to show people -- Doug -- how much I'm worth. Why do you think I constantly get statements from others like, "You have so much energy", "When I read your resumé I wonder how you can have accomplished all these things at your age", or other similar statements of affirmation?

When everything's fine, you don't need to do anything. Get real.

This is the lesson I have to learn: getting along well all by myself, giving things the room to develop at the speed they're supposed to, not trying to taint them with my fears and wishes.

But don't worry, I'm doing fine, enjoying my holidays and happy that I made the choice to come here. San Diego, after all, is a very beautiful city with the sunny days I have been missing out on this year. The weather in Germany has been so bad most of the time that I don't even dare inviting Doug over to Düsseldorf, being afraid that it'd be so bad that he'd think it was a waste of time to come.

I'll update you occasionally, my friends. Take good care!

A short update: This morning I had cold feet. Physically. It's becoming fall, you can tell.