Time For Change, For Good, For Real

We're going a long way here when I tell you this after absence for what, a year and a half? Well, let's see, what's happened so far?

March 2009: I quit the job I had back in Düsseldorf when the borderline wife and her loser husband (one of my bosses at the time) started bitching at people and making accusations that were far from acceptable for work (or any other situation in life).

June 2009: I start a job at an online dialog marketing agency here in Frankfurt. My job title is officially "judicial project manager" but really, for months nobody knows how to handle me. I start out managing projects but by the turn of the year 2009/2010 I am asked whether I'd enjoy sales instead, which I say I do. That's the job I still have.

To round it up, and I'm leaving a lot of details aside here, I am not so happy where I am. Again. Makes you think, doesn't it, especially with my "job carrier" that basically consists of jobs here and there that I never excelled in, or particularly enjoyed either, for that matter.

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to see friends for dinner after we had hit the gym. Now, as we walk in yesterday night we run into Margot, another friend and guest of theirs that night, and one of the first things she says is, "So, have you done something with your language talent?" I shake my head in embarrassment, "No, I haven't. I'd love to but don't know how."

The topic changes, and we start talking about all sorts of other things until at some point it comes up again, and all of a sudden I hear myself say how much I despise my job, how it's getting worse by the week, and how much I'd love to do something else. While I was at it I noticed that only a portion of my unhappiness is actually linked to my current job. Really it probably had much more to do with the fact that I have never been courageous enough to take the leap that was necessary for me to enjoy my job. All my life I have been cowardly tip-toeing along the gap that I must cross, back and forth, wasting my time and energy on things I thought I needed to do because everything else would be a perceived waste of (education) time.

So Margot says to me, "What would you like to do?" And instinctively I say, "I don't know, and I hate that I don't! You can't imagine how much I'd like to know what I'd like to do!"

Not the least bit impressed by my answer, she goes, "I think you know what you want to do. What is it?" And I say, "I want to ENTERTAIN, WRITE, and COACH." Just like that.

And she said, "So go do it!"

[silence]

There it is.

Entertain, write, coach.

That's exactly what I have always enjoyed the most.

So many people have told me they love my speeches, how they like me to guide through an event on stage, how they enjoy reading this blog. And I have always written. Since the age of 12 I kept a diary, and when the Internet had grown enough, I blogged as well. And last but not least, people have often asked me for guidance about their job and love life, and for all I know they turned out very happy after a healthy talk with me.

Now what does all this mean?

Well, for now it means that I need to change something, rather sooner than later, because one of the friends we visited last night is perfectly right in saying, "You better change your life for good now because if you don't, what will happen is that you'll be fired eventually because you'll never enjoy any job in somebody else's company, and if things go really badly you'll be too old to get any other job anymore."

Being the child of two extremely capitalistic parents, I am having a very hard time letting go of the illusion of financial security of a steady job, but I will find a concept that will pay the bills and make me happy. And in turn, it'll make the people happy that I will be in touch with professionally, be it my audience, my readers, or the coachees.

Last night was short and very unquiet for me, and I got up an hour earlier than usual, sat down and wrote down a few things that I hope will pave my future. One of the first steps will probably be to talk to my bosses about altering my job to a part-time model or something similar. And if my current boss remembers the URL to this blog, the genie will get out of the bottle eventually anyway.

I have been anxious and nervous for months, and every now and then it's accompanied by powerlessness. And I am anxious even now. Only now, with this sense of sun dawning at the horizon, it seems to be rather pushing than depressing me.

To the wonderful people I spent yesterday night with, I don't know anything else to say than,

"Thank you with all my heart! It feels like until yesterday night I had been holding my breath for a long time. I am so grateful to call you my friends."

I am sitting in the office, and my eyes are watering.

To a happy and very funny future!

What's going on in San Diego

Starting note in German: Ich mach das hier mal auf Englisch, weil ich möchte, dass das auch meine amerikanischen Freunde lesen können.

Hey guys, I know I haven't written here in quite a while. That's not because nothing happened but because I have been constantly busy doing other things, and the time I had for myself I didn't want to spend on writing. The weeks before my holiday passed me like a dream anyway. My life is experiencing another spin, and a part of the moodswings I used to know pretty well about five years back seem to be back in business.

Right now I am sitting on the couch of an incredibly generous friend who is hosting me here in San Diego, California for the three weeks I'll be spending my summer holidays here. Let's call him Doug. Some of you I have already told about him, and how excited I was about meeting him.

There will be tons of things to be read in my holiday report, I can tell already now. But for now let me get down to two very essential points.

First of all, Doug is the great person I thought he would be. Generous, extremely attractive, funny, laid back, and one of the greatest listeners I have met in my life. Me meeting him -- somebody who hadn't had anybody stay with him in the past two years -- was a leap probably even greater for him than for me. He has taken a lot of hurdles in his life, I can tell from both his stories and his nature, and he is providing me with great help to master another life lesson.

What that is?

Frankly, it is to let go of my fear of rejection and be who I am. Some time ago I posted an entry here in which I let you know about exactly this fear and the pertaining circumstances. Something I didn't tell (or know) at that time is my way of trying to get close to somebody fast, also by using sex as a means to bond him to me. As long as this man desires you sexually, my subconscious figured, you will feel wanted and thereby good. It's the opposite of being rejected after all.

Doug has an incredible way to analyze things for (and with) me. This is the deal.

I had come here to leap into a partnership, also by the means of having sex. I have read Buddhist books that told me that we need to be happy all by ourselves and that we can never be happy through a relationship, only in one. But no matter how hard I try, I have been aware that when I'm not in a relationship, a piece of my life is missing.

I spoke openly with him about it as we both felt the pressure I was imposing on him, and myself, actually. Doug has been showing me a mirror image of myself so clear that again I am wondering why I didn't see this myself before.

My desire to come together with him both sexually and partnership-wise, and the pertaining pressure that comes along with this are so big -- would be so big for anybody -- that I have pressured Doug immensely.

If you are reading this and think, "Duh, that's obvious", then I have made a good effort to lay it out for you, and myself. Here comes the weird part. I am now on holiday, spending my time with Doug, a man I respect greatly, probably more than I have realized myself. However, with him retreating more and more because of my pressuring, I have started to feel a pressure also on my own chest because I realize that whatever I try, I'm not able to manipulate him the way I have hoped to be able to. Yes, that's a "manipulate". I'm so good at acting myself that sometimes I don't notice it myself but a lot of things I do are actually products of my fear of rejection and the logical result, my endeavors to show people -- Doug -- how much I'm worth. Why do you think I constantly get statements from others like, "You have so much energy", "When I read your resumé I wonder how you can have accomplished all these things at your age", or other similar statements of affirmation?

When everything's fine, you don't need to do anything. Get real.

This is the lesson I have to learn: getting along well all by myself, giving things the room to develop at the speed they're supposed to, not trying to taint them with my fears and wishes.

But don't worry, I'm doing fine, enjoying my holidays and happy that I made the choice to come here. San Diego, after all, is a very beautiful city with the sunny days I have been missing out on this year. The weather in Germany has been so bad most of the time that I don't even dare inviting Doug over to Düsseldorf, being afraid that it'd be so bad that he'd think it was a waste of time to come.

I'll update you occasionally, my friends. Take good care!

A short update: This morning I had cold feet. Physically. It's becoming fall, you can tell.