The story I am about to write down in German here I found here. I found it to be extremely touching, and I read this to my office colleagues yesterday during our Christmas dinner.
Now I'll continue in German.
Meine lieben Freunde,
die folgende Geschichte habe ich hier gefunden und gestern im Büro während unserer Weihnachtsfeier vorgelesen. Sie hat mich sehr berührt, und ich möchte Sie euch nicht vorenthalten.
Die Geschichte von Auskunft bitte
Als ich noch sehr jung war, hatte mein Vater eins der ersten Telefone in der Nachbarschaft. Ich erinnere mich deutlich an den altmodischen polierten Holzkasten an der Wand. Der glänzende Hörer war an der Seite des Kastens. Ich war damals zu klein, um an das Telefon zu kommen, aber ich fand es immer faszinierend, wenn meine Mutter sich damit unterhielt.
Mir wurde schnell klar, dass eine tolle Person in diesem wundervollen Gerät wohnen musste. Ihr Name war „Auskunft bitte“, und sie wusste einfach alles. Auskunft bitte konnte jedermanns Telefonnummer sagen und wusste immer die richtige Zeit.
Meine persönliche Erfahrung mit diesem Geist aus der Wunderlampe kam eines Tages, als meine Mutter gerade eine Nachbarin besuchte. Ich hatte mich an der Werkbank im Keller zu schaffen gemacht und schlug mir mit einem Hammer mit einem Mal übel auf den Finger. Es tat furchtbar weh, aber zu weinen war sinnlos, weil niemand zu Hause war, der mich hätte in den Arm nehmen können. Ich lief im Haus hin und her, den pochenden Finger im Mund, bis ich an der Treppe ankam. Das Telefon!
Ich schnappte mir hastig den Hocker aus dem Wohnzimmer und zog ihn zum Telefon herüber. Dann kletterte ich darauf, nahm den Hörer von der Gabel und hielt ihn an mein Ohr. „Auskunft bitte“, sagte ich in das Mundstück über meinem Kopf. Ein Klick oder zwei, und eine leise klare Stimme sprach in mein Ohr.
„Auskunft.“ -- „Mein Finger tut weh“, jammerte ich ins Telefon, und jetzt, wo mir jemand zuhörte, kamen die Tränen sofort.
„Ist deine Mutter nicht zu Hause?“, kam es zurück. „Niemand ist zu Hause außer mir“, plärrte ich.
„Blutest du?“, fragte die Stimme. „Nein“, antwortete ich, „ich hab mir mit dem Hammer auf den Finger gehauen, und das tut so weh.“
„Kannst du den Tiefkühlschrank aufmachen?“, fragte sie. Ich sagte, das könnte ich. „Dann klopf ein bisschen von dem Eis ab und halt das auf deinen Finger“, sagte die Stimme.
Danach rief ich Auskunft bitte für alles Mögliche an. Ich bat sie um Hilfe mit meinen Erdkunde-Hausaufgaben, und sie sagte mir wo Philadelphia war. Sie half mir mit Mathe und sagte mir, dass das Streifenhörnchen, das mir am Tag vorher zugelaufen war, Früchte und Nüsse aß.
Dann irgendwann starb unser Kanarienvogel Petey. Ich rief Auskunft bitte an und erzählte ihr die traurige Geschichte. Sie hörte ruhig zu und sagte dann, was Erwachsene Kindern eben so erzählen, um sie zu trösten. Aber das half nicht, und so fragte ich sie: „Warum singen Vögel denn dann so schön und bringen allen Familien Freude, wenn sie doch irgendwann als Haufen Federn auf dem Käfigboden enden?“
Sie muss meine tiefe Enttäuschung gespürt haben; denn sie sagte mit ruhiger Stimme: „Wayne, denk immer daran, dass es auch andere Welten gibt, in denen sie singen müssen.“
Ich fühlte mich irgendwie besser.
Irgendwann später rief ich wieder Auskunft bitte an. „Auskunft“, kam es von der vertrauten Stimme. Ich fragte: „Wie buchstabiert man 'fix'?“
Das alles passierte in einer Kleinstadt im Nordwesten der USA. Als ich neun Jahre alt war, zogen wir nach Boston. Ich vermisste meine Freundin sehr. Auskunft bitte gehörte in die alte Holzkiste im alten Haus, und ich dachte irgendwie nie daran, das mit dem neuen glänzenden Telefon auszuprobieren, das auf dem Tisch in der Diele stand.
Meine Erinnerungen an meine Unterhaltungen mit Auskunft bitte verließen mich auch nicht, als ich in die Pubertät kam. Sehr oft, wenn ich verzweifelt oder ratlos war, erinnerte ich mich an das heitere Gefühl von Sicherheit, das ich damals gehabt hatte. Erst da begann ich zu schätzen, wie geduldig, verständnisvoll und lieb sie gewesen war, ihre Zeit mit einem kleinen Jungen zu verbringen.
Ein paar Jahre später, auf dem Weg nach Westen zur Uni, hatte ich eine Zwischenlandung in Seattle mit etwa eineinhalb Stunden Aufenthalt. Ich hatte gerade fünfzehn Minuten oder so mit meiner Schwester gesprochen, die da zu der Zeit lebte, und ohne nachzudenken wählte ich die Nummer des Operators meiner Heimatstadt und sagte: „Auskunft bitte.“
Wie durch ein Wunder hörte ich die leise klare Stimme, die ich so gut kannte: „Auskunft.“
Ich hatte das nicht geplant, aber ich sagte wie ferngesteuert: „Könnten Sie mir bitte sagen, wie man 'fix' buchstabiert?“
Es folgte eine lange Pause. Dann kam die Antwort sehr weich: „Dein Finger müsste jetzt verheilt sein, oder?“
Ich lachte: „Dann sind Sie es wirklich! Wissen Sie eigentlich, wie viel Sie mir damals bedeutet haben?“ Sie antwortete: „Ich frage mich, ob Sie wissen, wie viel mir dieser Anruf bedeutet. Ich hatte nie Kinder und habe mich damals immer so auf Ihre Anrufe gefreut.“
Ich erzählte ihr, wie oft ich in all den Jahren an sie gedacht hatte, und fragte, ob ich sie wieder anrufen dürfte, wenn ich meine Schwester wieder besuchen käme. „Ja, bitte tun Sie das!“, sagte sie, „Fragen Sie nach Sally.“
Drei Monate später war ich wieder in Seattle, aber eine andere Stimme meldete sich, als ich anrief: „Auskunft.“ Ich fragte nach Sally. „Sind Sie ein Freund von ihr?“, fragte die Stimme. „Ja“, sagte ich, „ein sehr alter Freund.“
„Es tut mir Leid, Ihnen das sagen zu müssen.“, kam es zurück, „Sally hat in den vergangenen Jahren nur noch Teilzeit hier gearbeitet, weil sie krank war. Sie ist vor fünf Wochen gestorben.“
Bevor ich auflegen konnte, sagte die Stimme: „Warten Sie bitte. Sind Sie Wayne?“
„Ja“, antwortete ich. „Sally hat Ihnen eine Nachricht hinterlassen. Sie hat sie aufgeschrieben für den Fall, dass Sie anrufen. Ich lese Sie Ihnen vor. Die Nachricht lautet: 'Sagen Sie ihm, dass es andere Welten gibt, in denen sie singen müssen. Er wird verstehen, was ich meine.“
Ich dankte ihr und legte auf. Ich wusste, was Sally meinte.
Unterschätze niemals die Wirkung, die du auf andere hast.
Wessen Leben hast du heute berührt?
Samstag, November 29, 2008
Mittwoch, November 12, 2008
Prop 8: Another of the US's confessions of failure
Same-sex marriage has been a huge issue in the US for a long time, for a reason I have never understood. I will spare you details on why I think it's stupid to be against it, not only although but when you're heterosexual. Instead, I will let Wanda Sykes, one of my favorite comedians who is also responsible for the "Turd in car" prank call that some of you might remember, do all the talking.
In California, same-sex marriage used to be legal. Used to be. It's not any more now after Proposition 8 on an amendment to the Californian constitution has passed. This proposition was essentially meant to take gays' right to marry away. When I was in San Diego I saw the movement, the struggling, I saw all the helpers and enthusiasts, and frankly, I never took it into serious consideration that Prop 8 would pass. Never. It was just too stupid and ignorant to pass, especially in a progressive state like California.
My fellow human-beings, Prop 8 has passed. And again, instead of listening to me rambling about why it is stupid beyond comprehension, I will leave you with a comment that the noble Keith Olbermann recently gave on MSNBC.
Thank you, Mr Olbermann. In times like this, with your people being ignorant and resistant to any sort of reason, I personally bow down to your enthusiasm and courage.
We all owe you. Big time.
And by "we" I mean everybody with a brain and heart that still work.
In California, same-sex marriage used to be legal. Used to be. It's not any more now after Proposition 8 on an amendment to the Californian constitution has passed. This proposition was essentially meant to take gays' right to marry away. When I was in San Diego I saw the movement, the struggling, I saw all the helpers and enthusiasts, and frankly, I never took it into serious consideration that Prop 8 would pass. Never. It was just too stupid and ignorant to pass, especially in a progressive state like California.
My fellow human-beings, Prop 8 has passed. And again, instead of listening to me rambling about why it is stupid beyond comprehension, I will leave you with a comment that the noble Keith Olbermann recently gave on MSNBC.
Thank you, Mr Olbermann. In times like this, with your people being ignorant and resistant to any sort of reason, I personally bow down to your enthusiasm and courage.
We all owe you. Big time.
And by "we" I mean everybody with a brain and heart that still work.
Mittwoch, November 05, 2008
The Girls At The Gym Hate Us Now
Only one week has passed since Amalia and I decided to lose weight. While yesterday morning I had 1.6kg less than a week before, this morning I was back up to 89.4kg, making the difference only 300 grams. It's a continuous up and down. [sigh]
We knew we had to do crazy shit to do lose weight. And we have started, last Monday, at the gym.
Amalia told me a body styling course was up at 7:30 last Monday and that she was going, so I planned accordingly and did weights beforehand. Being at it I noticed, however, that actually it was up at 8:30. The course at 7:30 was an aerobic class. "Aerobic I", it said on the plan, so it was neither the beginners' course nor the super-advanced one where you have to have mastered every move. Having done body styling and some aerobic moves before, I thought I could easily handle it. The world is not enough, right?
So we decided to do aerobic. As we stood in position I noticed that the only other men in the course were two gay guys. It was a course full of girls, and yet I didn't suspect anything. On the contrary, I was standing in first line with Amalia. Beginners should be in the first row so that they learn, right?
So the course started, and very soon we discovered that we did not know all the moves. Actually, some of them were way beyond our capacity. The teacher threw nothing but mono- or bisyllabic words at us, most of which seemed to be clear instructions for everybody, just not for us.
The girls kept going in perfect patterns, it seemed, while at some point Amalia and I started tumbling around like love childs of drunk village idiots and stranded whales. A couple of times I must have almost run into one of the girls next to me who had decided to move into a different direction than I. That bitch.
However, when I asked Amalia somewhere in the middle of the one-hour course whether she wanted to leave, she dismissed, "Nah, we've already made complete idiots of ourselves and annoyed everybody. I'm staying."
That's the spirit!
So we stayed.
The two gay guys actually made me a compliment when the course was over. And I even think that for my first time I didn't do such a bad job.
Too bad nobody appreciated our performance as our first.
But we will be back, harder than ever.
The world will have to deal with us.
We knew we had to do crazy shit to do lose weight. And we have started, last Monday, at the gym.
Amalia told me a body styling course was up at 7:30 last Monday and that she was going, so I planned accordingly and did weights beforehand. Being at it I noticed, however, that actually it was up at 8:30. The course at 7:30 was an aerobic class. "Aerobic I", it said on the plan, so it was neither the beginners' course nor the super-advanced one where you have to have mastered every move. Having done body styling and some aerobic moves before, I thought I could easily handle it. The world is not enough, right?
So we decided to do aerobic. As we stood in position I noticed that the only other men in the course were two gay guys. It was a course full of girls, and yet I didn't suspect anything. On the contrary, I was standing in first line with Amalia. Beginners should be in the first row so that they learn, right?
So the course started, and very soon we discovered that we did not know all the moves. Actually, some of them were way beyond our capacity. The teacher threw nothing but mono- or bisyllabic words at us, most of which seemed to be clear instructions for everybody, just not for us.
The girls kept going in perfect patterns, it seemed, while at some point Amalia and I started tumbling around like love childs of drunk village idiots and stranded whales. A couple of times I must have almost run into one of the girls next to me who had decided to move into a different direction than I. That bitch.
However, when I asked Amalia somewhere in the middle of the one-hour course whether she wanted to leave, she dismissed, "Nah, we've already made complete idiots of ourselves and annoyed everybody. I'm staying."
That's the spirit!
So we stayed.
The two gay guys actually made me a compliment when the course was over. And I even think that for my first time I didn't do such a bad job.
Too bad nobody appreciated our performance as our first.
But we will be back, harder than ever.
The world will have to deal with us.
The American People Has Done Good
"How'r'you doin'?" -- "I'm doin' good." -- "No, Superman does good. You are doing well."
Having quoted from the first season of 30Rock, I am now able to proceed to the important part of this blog entry.
With all my heart, I commend the American people on its taste and clarity with which it expressed its wish to see Obama as its new president. Thank you for not letting the old man and the beauty queen from the 80s rule your country. Eight years of simian presidency have apparently shaken even a part of the not so educated population in the US so much that the time has come for change.
As far as I have been able to experience, Barack Obama is not only able to speak complete and correct sentences but also has a potent vice president at his side and is able to move the people. I know because when I watched his 21-hours-before-the-election speech in Virginia, I was moved, and I am not the least into politics.
Thank you, American people, for your confidence that Obama is the right president for you this time, because
But one thing is obvious here. It was the right thing for Obama to become president, for whatever reason. Please, Mr. Obama, lead the US and the rest of the world that depends on the health of the American economy out of this crisis and do the job that you have risen to do.
Having quoted from the first season of 30Rock, I am now able to proceed to the important part of this blog entry.
With all my heart, I commend the American people on its taste and clarity with which it expressed its wish to see Obama as its new president. Thank you for not letting the old man and the beauty queen from the 80s rule your country. Eight years of simian presidency have apparently shaken even a part of the not so educated population in the US so much that the time has come for change.
As far as I have been able to experience, Barack Obama is not only able to speak complete and correct sentences but also has a potent vice president at his side and is able to move the people. I know because when I watched his 21-hours-before-the-election speech in Virginia, I was moved, and I am not the least into politics.
Thank you, American people, for your confidence that Obama is the right president for you this time, because
- the old man and Ms I-want-county-sheriffs-to-deal-with-things-they-have-never-understood are not up for the job,
- they would convey an ultimately wrong message to the rest of the world,
- they would fuck everything up even more than any other president ever did before,
- Obama is black and already therefore personifies the message of change,
- he knows his material better,
- he is interested in what he does, and finally because
- this outcome prevents all my dear American gay friends from moving out of the US.
But one thing is obvious here. It was the right thing for Obama to become president, for whatever reason. Please, Mr. Obama, lead the US and the rest of the world that depends on the health of the American economy out of this crisis and do the job that you have risen to do.
Sonntag, November 02, 2008
Peace of Insight, Part 1:
Everybody Has An Agenda
Do you sometimes wonder why people do crazy things? Do you have friends, colleagues or acquaintances whose behavioral patterns you don't understand? Then this article might give you a useful insight.
Do you watch House M.D.? The leading character in this show, Gregory House, has a basic rules that says, everybody lies. This piece of wisdom helps him solve a number of his cases, figuring out that patients lied about their medication, eating habits or sexual escapades. Good for him. You should keep this in mind, I recommend. Please don't assume that everybody lies all the time though. Not only is that not true but karma dictates that by doing so, you will concentrate on the wrong type of people who actually do lie more than others. Not a good idea if you ask me.
Why People Do What They Do
Anyway, I wasn't satisfied to know that people lie and do things that you and I would never even consider considering. I wanted to know why all that happens.
I have met a vast number of people in my life, through all sorts of occasions from short meaningless dates to sex-driven online-hook-ups, to periods of being a devoted tourist host, to summer vacations in the US that lead both to some of my best friendships and troublesome encounters that while at it, I wished I didn't have to endure. Encounters have made me laugh and cry, sometimes both. Saying good-bye has been very easy at times and extremely difficult at others. Among the people I have met have been men from all over the world, from celebrities to guys next door, from ultimately sexy men to those that flew under my radar, those I considered just right to fuck their lights out to those I wanted to be lifetime friends with.
An important factor in encountering others is our vulnerability, our openness to new things, our love for contrast. If we are afraid of insecurity we are likely to rather soothe our own fears than to be open for what's generously offered to us right then, right there. Every situation in which you feel uncomfortable and deal with although there is no way out, will soften your heart and ease your mind.
In all these encounters I have learned why people do the things they do. It is because everybody has an agenda.
What Agendas Are
Agendas are our behavioral pendant to our fears.
We all are afraid of something, and we all yearn for love and affirmation, protection or security, sometimes all of the above. That's why we strive for something. If everything was perfect nobody would accomplish anything. And why should they? Things are already perfect.
But sadly, agendas are by far not only responsible for our positive achievements. Much rather, they make us do everything that involves (even subconscious) feelings, from giving the most beautiful presents to taking our moods on to others, denying the most obvious facts, sliding into devastating debts, lying, cheating on people we like, saying the ugliest things, stealing, hurting others physically and mentally, and all the other things I forgot to mention. You know what I'm talking about.
How Agendas Are Created
As agendas are caused by fears, there are vast numbers of situations that can cause or contribute to our agendas. Although I am not an expert in this area and although I am at this point unable to refer to studies to prove or support my point, one thing seems rather obvious to me. Our childhood is a huge factor in the creation of our agendas, not because our parents were such bad people but simply because we came to face most of our fears when we were kids. The fear of being abandoned, of not being loved, of doing wrong things, or countless other things, all of them are so deeply rooted that unless we have a concrete reason to work on them (e.g. because we fall back to them in our adult relationships), we might be completely unaware of them.
But only our imagination limits the situations that can lead to fear, which again leads to the alteration of our agendas. Were you mocked at school because you were fat or stingy, or scored low at tests? Were you turned down by somebody you wanted to be together so badly that you couldn't sleep? Did you abuse drugs or fall into other addictions, resulting on rapid loss of social status or friends? Do you hate your body for any reason? Are you unhappy at your job; do you even think you're worthless because you didn't reach a level of education that all your friends have? Do you consider yourself poor or lonely? Have you ever felt judged unfairly? Do you have the feeling that no matter what you do, you always fuck it up?
The possibilities are endless even though they usually circle around a core of experiences that's often similar in several people.
Most of us have no clue what our agenda is or even that it exists. Agendas are so deeply rooted in and defended by our subconscious that we need to dig equally deeply to become aware of them. Yet we all follow them. It is everyone's own decision to change their agenda but unless we do, we are like puppets.
How To Detect Somebody's Agenda
Knowing everything I have written so far doesn't help if you just don't know what somebody's agenda is. Truth is that in order to understand what's going on with somebody, we need to know him or her fairly well. When you're lost for an explanation why somebody does something, you're probably missing important facts. However, the more similar somebody's agenda is to yours the more apparent it will be for you. Whenever we want to understand how we tick, we basically need to contemplate others, and when it comes to understanding others, it helps a lot to be mindful of your own motives and behavior, your own agenda.
If you need help figuring out your agenda there are several possibilities for you. Some people ask friends or parents, some write diary, some others again meditate. I have found all of these methods to be useful in one situation or another but be assured, no matter what you do to find out what your agenda is, you're doing a lot more than the vast majority.
However, one way has proved to be especially efficient.
I call it the mirroring technique. Have somebody mirror your fears back to you. Have them ask specific questions and state concrete moments at which you fall back into your agenda. The biggest problems with this are that you will need somebody who is – at least up to a certain point – aware of your agenda, which practically means that he has to be an agenda that in some parts equals yours.
An example of my past:
Not too long ago I was talking to a man I was visiting in California. He was extremely sexy, and I had looked forward to meet him for months. However, having arrived there I noticed that he wasn't at all happy about my being there because he felt under a huge amount of pressure, having invited me over to come to California and then “turning me down”. This caused a huge amount of discontentment in me, not only because I felt bad for being his cause of pressure but, much rather, because no matter what I did, this handsome man would just not let me get closer to him. I felt rejected, which is one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest one.
The talkative and open-hearted person that I am, I talked openly about this part of my agenda. I told him that I had done several things in the previous days not only – but also – because I wanted him to like me. From the way he talked it was obvious that this part of me resonated in him. He just knew too well what was going on in me. The most interesting part for me was that he actually had understood so well that at one point he said, “See? You're doing it again!”
I'm sure he rather meant to support his own point in that situation than to help me get an important insight into myself, but it helped a lot to be told openly.
The week I spent in close contact with him taught me a lot. Dealing with my own fears has made them shrink, and I look back on my unpleasant periods in life as my biggest chances to grow.
The stronger somebody's agenda, the less likely we are to meet him instead of his behavioral patterns that work around his fears.
Please Do Not Call Agendas Issues
A lot of people have a different name for agendas. They call them issues, and when I listen closely to people talk especially in the gay scene in the US, I get the impression that everybody has huge ones.
While I'm sure most of us have things to work on that you might actually call “issues”, the way the word is usually used conveys both a momentous judgment of others and a dangerous self-contentment and -deceit. It's always the others who have issues, you think, never you. Too bad that depending on whom you ask, “the others” includes you.
Please do yourself a favor and refrain from using a word that mainly aims to judge others. We all have fears that we should work on. As soon as you judge others instead, what you are doing is merely another part of your way to deal with your own fears, another part of your agenda.
Everybody has an agenda.
Be mindful next time.
Do you watch House M.D.? The leading character in this show, Gregory House, has a basic rules that says, everybody lies. This piece of wisdom helps him solve a number of his cases, figuring out that patients lied about their medication, eating habits or sexual escapades. Good for him. You should keep this in mind, I recommend. Please don't assume that everybody lies all the time though. Not only is that not true but karma dictates that by doing so, you will concentrate on the wrong type of people who actually do lie more than others. Not a good idea if you ask me.
Why People Do What They Do
Anyway, I wasn't satisfied to know that people lie and do things that you and I would never even consider considering. I wanted to know why all that happens.
I have met a vast number of people in my life, through all sorts of occasions from short meaningless dates to sex-driven online-hook-ups, to periods of being a devoted tourist host, to summer vacations in the US that lead both to some of my best friendships and troublesome encounters that while at it, I wished I didn't have to endure. Encounters have made me laugh and cry, sometimes both. Saying good-bye has been very easy at times and extremely difficult at others. Among the people I have met have been men from all over the world, from celebrities to guys next door, from ultimately sexy men to those that flew under my radar, those I considered just right to fuck their lights out to those I wanted to be lifetime friends with.
An important factor in encountering others is our vulnerability, our openness to new things, our love for contrast. If we are afraid of insecurity we are likely to rather soothe our own fears than to be open for what's generously offered to us right then, right there. Every situation in which you feel uncomfortable and deal with although there is no way out, will soften your heart and ease your mind.
In all these encounters I have learned why people do the things they do. It is because everybody has an agenda.
What Agendas Are
Agendas are our behavioral pendant to our fears.
We all are afraid of something, and we all yearn for love and affirmation, protection or security, sometimes all of the above. That's why we strive for something. If everything was perfect nobody would accomplish anything. And why should they? Things are already perfect.
But sadly, agendas are by far not only responsible for our positive achievements. Much rather, they make us do everything that involves (even subconscious) feelings, from giving the most beautiful presents to taking our moods on to others, denying the most obvious facts, sliding into devastating debts, lying, cheating on people we like, saying the ugliest things, stealing, hurting others physically and mentally, and all the other things I forgot to mention. You know what I'm talking about.
How Agendas Are Created
As agendas are caused by fears, there are vast numbers of situations that can cause or contribute to our agendas. Although I am not an expert in this area and although I am at this point unable to refer to studies to prove or support my point, one thing seems rather obvious to me. Our childhood is a huge factor in the creation of our agendas, not because our parents were such bad people but simply because we came to face most of our fears when we were kids. The fear of being abandoned, of not being loved, of doing wrong things, or countless other things, all of them are so deeply rooted that unless we have a concrete reason to work on them (e.g. because we fall back to them in our adult relationships), we might be completely unaware of them.
But only our imagination limits the situations that can lead to fear, which again leads to the alteration of our agendas. Were you mocked at school because you were fat or stingy, or scored low at tests? Were you turned down by somebody you wanted to be together so badly that you couldn't sleep? Did you abuse drugs or fall into other addictions, resulting on rapid loss of social status or friends? Do you hate your body for any reason? Are you unhappy at your job; do you even think you're worthless because you didn't reach a level of education that all your friends have? Do you consider yourself poor or lonely? Have you ever felt judged unfairly? Do you have the feeling that no matter what you do, you always fuck it up?
The possibilities are endless even though they usually circle around a core of experiences that's often similar in several people.
Most of us have no clue what our agenda is or even that it exists. Agendas are so deeply rooted in and defended by our subconscious that we need to dig equally deeply to become aware of them. Yet we all follow them. It is everyone's own decision to change their agenda but unless we do, we are like puppets.
How To Detect Somebody's Agenda
Knowing everything I have written so far doesn't help if you just don't know what somebody's agenda is. Truth is that in order to understand what's going on with somebody, we need to know him or her fairly well. When you're lost for an explanation why somebody does something, you're probably missing important facts. However, the more similar somebody's agenda is to yours the more apparent it will be for you. Whenever we want to understand how we tick, we basically need to contemplate others, and when it comes to understanding others, it helps a lot to be mindful of your own motives and behavior, your own agenda.
If you need help figuring out your agenda there are several possibilities for you. Some people ask friends or parents, some write diary, some others again meditate. I have found all of these methods to be useful in one situation or another but be assured, no matter what you do to find out what your agenda is, you're doing a lot more than the vast majority.
However, one way has proved to be especially efficient.
I call it the mirroring technique. Have somebody mirror your fears back to you. Have them ask specific questions and state concrete moments at which you fall back into your agenda. The biggest problems with this are that you will need somebody who is – at least up to a certain point – aware of your agenda, which practically means that he has to be an agenda that in some parts equals yours.
An example of my past:
Not too long ago I was talking to a man I was visiting in California. He was extremely sexy, and I had looked forward to meet him for months. However, having arrived there I noticed that he wasn't at all happy about my being there because he felt under a huge amount of pressure, having invited me over to come to California and then “turning me down”. This caused a huge amount of discontentment in me, not only because I felt bad for being his cause of pressure but, much rather, because no matter what I did, this handsome man would just not let me get closer to him. I felt rejected, which is one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest one.
The talkative and open-hearted person that I am, I talked openly about this part of my agenda. I told him that I had done several things in the previous days not only – but also – because I wanted him to like me. From the way he talked it was obvious that this part of me resonated in him. He just knew too well what was going on in me. The most interesting part for me was that he actually had understood so well that at one point he said, “See? You're doing it again!”
I'm sure he rather meant to support his own point in that situation than to help me get an important insight into myself, but it helped a lot to be told openly.
The week I spent in close contact with him taught me a lot. Dealing with my own fears has made them shrink, and I look back on my unpleasant periods in life as my biggest chances to grow.
The stronger somebody's agenda, the less likely we are to meet him instead of his behavioral patterns that work around his fears.
Please Do Not Call Agendas Issues
A lot of people have a different name for agendas. They call them issues, and when I listen closely to people talk especially in the gay scene in the US, I get the impression that everybody has huge ones.
While I'm sure most of us have things to work on that you might actually call “issues”, the way the word is usually used conveys both a momentous judgment of others and a dangerous self-contentment and -deceit. It's always the others who have issues, you think, never you. Too bad that depending on whom you ask, “the others” includes you.
Please do yourself a favor and refrain from using a word that mainly aims to judge others. We all have fears that we should work on. As soon as you judge others instead, what you are doing is merely another part of your way to deal with your own fears, another part of your agenda.
Everybody has an agenda.
Be mindful next time.
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