Here We Go Again Series pt 2: Dating Via The Ever-So-Bad Internet

Courtesy of Jay Dugger

How often have I heard statements about how bad the Internet was when it comes to meeting people! And as much as I understand these complaints – as that is usually what they are, no matter how detached the narrator is trying to sound – there is some clarification due here. Sometimes we want to meet people online, for purposes ranging from long-term partnerships to jogging or gym buddings to meaningless sexual hook-ups. You have probably heard a great deal of said rant yourself. You hear things like, “Everybody you meet on the Internet is fake, ten years older than their pictures, or gains 50 pounds on your way to their place!”

I've heard quite an amount of all that stuff, and met a wide variety of people whom I initially met online. Here are my 50 cents.


The Internet Is Fine

There is nothing wrong with the Internet. Do yourselves a favor and don't believe anybody telling you otherwise. If you do you will miss out on innumerable miracles. At this point, you might not believe me that miracles can happen “on the Internet”, and in a way, you're right. They don't happen on the technical backbone we call Internet but the connections you can make via Internet can easily qualify as such. All you need to do is allowing them to happen. You will think of my words when they happen to you.

Nobody will seriously want to argue that the Internet is the greatest network our planet has ever seen. When it comes to information, it bears possibilities you and I probably still don't imagine, but one thing has shown very clearly: Rather than being the source of all evil, the Internet is just a mirror image of what you probably call reality.

But
(You knew there was a but coming, didn't you?)

something strange must be going on when it comes to meeting people online, right? I can tell you have wanted to say something like, “But everybody is talking about 'online dates' (meeting people in 'real life' that you initially spoke to online) turning out all different than expected, and it's happened to me several times!”

And you're right. There is something different than when you meet somebody in “real life” for the first time. Sadly for us, it's ourselves that are not working properly. The Internet is perfectly fine; it has always done what it does, providing information.

If you are complaining about how different your hook-ups turn out when you meet them for real, it's you who has done something wrong. I've been there, numerous times.


What We Can Do About It

Alright, enough for the blaming. Let's deal with what we can do to enhance our experiences with the ever-so-bad Internet. If our perception is not working properly, what is wrong and what can we do to get the results we want?


Rule no. 1: Be aware of your altered perception!

Courtesy of crazy_foolish4u

When we meet somebody online, our perception is different than in “real life”. Yes, different, not worse! Claiming that on the Internet you have less information available is most of the time just not true. Actually, when you meet somebody online, especially when they're offering a profile of themselves, there are many ways to tell what somebody's like.

But first things first.

Regardless of the means of communication, you don't get to feel or smell the people you're encountering, and you only talk to them in very specific situations when you and they feel like it and have time for it. So it doesn't matter whether you contact each other via e-mail, online chat, webcam chat, phone, letter or any other media, you don't get to see the other person in his or her entirety. You are unlikely to see them in stressful situations, and you don't know how they act when they are with others (and there can be huge differences).

There are various aspects to meeting people online, and I'm not going to get into great detail here. However, there are some that are especially tricky.

One of these aspects, maybe the most essential one, are profile pictures. One should think that this is self-evident but we all have the tendency to forget, which is why I am telling you again.

On profile pictures, you only get to see others the way they want you to.

How often have I seen pictures in which a guy would have his arms folded, only to find out, looking really closely, that he is hiding his fat belly. Or consider the ten-years-old pictures or those that were taken when the guy had 30 pounds less. It doesn't matter whether somebody intentionally tricks you into dating him by making you believe he looks different, or whether he is just not aware of the interim change. Those disappointments are what people complain about. But really, if you readily believe everything you see and read in a profile, it's time for your alarm to go off. In photography, it's so easy to hide things about ourselves that we don't like. Pose questions, talk to him, have a closer look whether the pictures look like scans of analog photographs. If the latter is the case, ask yourself how long you haven't used an analog camera any more. Unless the guy you're talking to has a thing for analog photography (what are the odds for that!), this will be a pretty precise guess of how old they are.

Of course, there is hardly anything you can do when somebody is consciously lying to you. You and I probably agree that lying is the stupidest thing to do because the lie will show eventually, and you'll leave their place as soon as it does. I don't know why people do things like that but it happens. Apparently some get off on tricking people into coming to their place, even if they leave after discovering the lie.

But even when somebody lies, posing questions and evaluating whether what he's telling you can at all be true will do you good, probably. Luckily for you, there are only very few full-fledged liars out there, I have experienced. Sadly on the other hand, those few are the ones that will cause the biggest mess, and once you've been a target of one, your disappointment is likely to make you believe that everybody's like that. Most people, however, do not consciously lie, and the simple question of “How old are the pictures in your profile?” will tell you pretty precisely what relations you're dealing with.

Even when you talk to each other via webcam, no matter how good the image quality is, even the visuals are unlike any “real” image you get of a person. And again, when you talk to each other, both of you have taken the time to do that. Your “opponents” might be all different as soon as they hang up and talk to somebody else. We all play roles, all the time. Take that into consideration.

All this is different in a “real” date where you can use a variety of other senses that are not working on the Internet. Again, it's not because the Internet was evil but just because the types of information that you get so naturally in a “real” date, are not available.

To put the cherry on the top of my statement here, here's another thought for you.

Have you ever gotten to know somebody in “real life” first, considered him or her a very nice person at first, and later figured out aspects to him or her that aren't at all as nice as you initially thought? Well, what happens in those situations follows the same principle described here. When you've known somebody for a while you realize aspects that you didn't perceive at the beginning. They were very probably there right from the start but you just didn't see them back then. The same way, all the information about a person you meet online is available. You just need to find a way to retrieve it.


Rule no. 2: Figure out their agendas!

Courtesy of digikuva

So as if the online media alone wasn't giving you a hard time already, here's another factor that often allows for disappointment. The other person. Yes, you've spent all the effort on creating an online profile page for yourself, sending messages to people you don't know, and have overcome your hurdles to actually meet somebody for real. And here I am, telling you that probably the biggest problem you'll have when it comes to online dating, is the other person.

That's how it is, I'm sorry.

It is because people the information you get from people is often tainted or even a plain lie. Agendas are what makes people do all that, and everybody has one. I wrote about this in a more detailed article here but to spare you going through it at this point, I'll summarize it for you here.

Agendas are behavioral patterns that each and every one of us develop as the consequence of experiences. Being left by a partner without notice, negative comments about somebody's looks, or anything else you can think of, there are uncountable situations that contribute to our agendas. We are like little kids that burn their hands on the stove and subsequently avoid being burned the same way again. And frankly, if all that somebody's looking for is sex, he is going to do everything that he thinks will make you give him what he wants. That includes promises of calling you the next day to go out for dinner. No wonder Jim Sullivan advises his readers in "Boyfriend 101" not to have sex on the first three dates.

Agendas are most of the time followed unconsciously, and most people don't even know they have one at all. So blaming others for following their agenda is not only useless because they are probably unaware of it, but also unfair because, believe me, you're doing it, too. Complaining about how evil everybody is to you is the least bit of help.

When it comes agendas in online dating, all that you can reasonably do is figuring out what agenda you're currently dealing with. This can be an enormously difficult and sometimes complex process, not only because some of us, like myself, don't always have a very reliable empathy system running, but also because figuring out an agenda always requires knowing what the person has gone through in his or her life. The more you know about the person, the more likely you are to see the underlying behavioral patterns that form their agenda. How else are you going to find out why somebody has a problem with your being HIV-positive, unless you know that he lost a partner because of AIDS and decided he'll never want an HIV-positive partner again?

By the way, the only way to lessen your own agenda is becoming aware of it and opening yourself to behavior that is contrary to it. And as much as I would love to ridden others of their agenda, everybody needs to work on their own agenda. All that we can do for others is providing a stable foundation, an asylum if you will, so that they have support when they're not feeling well.

And it just won't stop becoming more difficult.

Even if you've had a fair amount of practice in figuring out agendas, and think that you can figure out some people because their agenda is similar to what you already know, others are so different that you might doubt your senses.

The problem is that from one person to another, agendas can vary so greatly that unless you develop a very sophisticated intuition, you're likely to get lost and frustrated faster than the iPhone was sold out when it first hit the shops. As much as I would love to assure you that you will never be hurt on the Internet as it is merely a source of information that can never cause pain, that would be a plain lie. The encounters you can get into via Internet are generally not the slightest bit nicer than those you experience anywhere else. It's people that you meet, after all, and people can be everything from the most adorable sweethearts to the most low-down assholes. Quite frankly, because of the difference in perception via Internet, you're even more likely to run into assholes than into sweethearts, I am sorry to say. And yet, please confide in your intuition. The more open you are to new aspects, the less likely you are to get hurt.

This problem, however, is likely to be what some people experience and what makes them quit online dating altogether. An understandable yet sad and unnecessary consequence.

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Now, having read all this, do you think this article has provided you with an idea what to do about online dating that might help you? I'm eager to hear your opinions.