Here We Go Again Series pt 2: Dating Via The Ever-So-Bad Internet

Courtesy of Jay Dugger

How often have I heard statements about how bad the Internet was when it comes to meeting people! And as much as I understand these complaints – as that is usually what they are, no matter how detached the narrator is trying to sound – there is some clarification due here. Sometimes we want to meet people online, for purposes ranging from long-term partnerships to jogging or gym buddings to meaningless sexual hook-ups. You have probably heard a great deal of said rant yourself. You hear things like, “Everybody you meet on the Internet is fake, ten years older than their pictures, or gains 50 pounds on your way to their place!”

I've heard quite an amount of all that stuff, and met a wide variety of people whom I initially met online. Here are my 50 cents.


The Internet Is Fine

There is nothing wrong with the Internet. Do yourselves a favor and don't believe anybody telling you otherwise. If you do you will miss out on innumerable miracles. At this point, you might not believe me that miracles can happen “on the Internet”, and in a way, you're right. They don't happen on the technical backbone we call Internet but the connections you can make via Internet can easily qualify as such. All you need to do is allowing them to happen. You will think of my words when they happen to you.

Nobody will seriously want to argue that the Internet is the greatest network our planet has ever seen. When it comes to information, it bears possibilities you and I probably still don't imagine, but one thing has shown very clearly: Rather than being the source of all evil, the Internet is just a mirror image of what you probably call reality.

But
(You knew there was a but coming, didn't you?)

something strange must be going on when it comes to meeting people online, right? I can tell you have wanted to say something like, “But everybody is talking about 'online dates' (meeting people in 'real life' that you initially spoke to online) turning out all different than expected, and it's happened to me several times!”

And you're right. There is something different than when you meet somebody in “real life” for the first time. Sadly for us, it's ourselves that are not working properly. The Internet is perfectly fine; it has always done what it does, providing information.

If you are complaining about how different your hook-ups turn out when you meet them for real, it's you who has done something wrong. I've been there, numerous times.


What We Can Do About It

Alright, enough for the blaming. Let's deal with what we can do to enhance our experiences with the ever-so-bad Internet. If our perception is not working properly, what is wrong and what can we do to get the results we want?


Rule no. 1: Be aware of your altered perception!

Courtesy of crazy_foolish4u

When we meet somebody online, our perception is different than in “real life”. Yes, different, not worse! Claiming that on the Internet you have less information available is most of the time just not true. Actually, when you meet somebody online, especially when they're offering a profile of themselves, there are many ways to tell what somebody's like.

But first things first.

Regardless of the means of communication, you don't get to feel or smell the people you're encountering, and you only talk to them in very specific situations when you and they feel like it and have time for it. So it doesn't matter whether you contact each other via e-mail, online chat, webcam chat, phone, letter or any other media, you don't get to see the other person in his or her entirety. You are unlikely to see them in stressful situations, and you don't know how they act when they are with others (and there can be huge differences).

There are various aspects to meeting people online, and I'm not going to get into great detail here. However, there are some that are especially tricky.

One of these aspects, maybe the most essential one, are profile pictures. One should think that this is self-evident but we all have the tendency to forget, which is why I am telling you again.

On profile pictures, you only get to see others the way they want you to.

How often have I seen pictures in which a guy would have his arms folded, only to find out, looking really closely, that he is hiding his fat belly. Or consider the ten-years-old pictures or those that were taken when the guy had 30 pounds less. It doesn't matter whether somebody intentionally tricks you into dating him by making you believe he looks different, or whether he is just not aware of the interim change. Those disappointments are what people complain about. But really, if you readily believe everything you see and read in a profile, it's time for your alarm to go off. In photography, it's so easy to hide things about ourselves that we don't like. Pose questions, talk to him, have a closer look whether the pictures look like scans of analog photographs. If the latter is the case, ask yourself how long you haven't used an analog camera any more. Unless the guy you're talking to has a thing for analog photography (what are the odds for that!), this will be a pretty precise guess of how old they are.

Of course, there is hardly anything you can do when somebody is consciously lying to you. You and I probably agree that lying is the stupidest thing to do because the lie will show eventually, and you'll leave their place as soon as it does. I don't know why people do things like that but it happens. Apparently some get off on tricking people into coming to their place, even if they leave after discovering the lie.

But even when somebody lies, posing questions and evaluating whether what he's telling you can at all be true will do you good, probably. Luckily for you, there are only very few full-fledged liars out there, I have experienced. Sadly on the other hand, those few are the ones that will cause the biggest mess, and once you've been a target of one, your disappointment is likely to make you believe that everybody's like that. Most people, however, do not consciously lie, and the simple question of “How old are the pictures in your profile?” will tell you pretty precisely what relations you're dealing with.

Even when you talk to each other via webcam, no matter how good the image quality is, even the visuals are unlike any “real” image you get of a person. And again, when you talk to each other, both of you have taken the time to do that. Your “opponents” might be all different as soon as they hang up and talk to somebody else. We all play roles, all the time. Take that into consideration.

All this is different in a “real” date where you can use a variety of other senses that are not working on the Internet. Again, it's not because the Internet was evil but just because the types of information that you get so naturally in a “real” date, are not available.

To put the cherry on the top of my statement here, here's another thought for you.

Have you ever gotten to know somebody in “real life” first, considered him or her a very nice person at first, and later figured out aspects to him or her that aren't at all as nice as you initially thought? Well, what happens in those situations follows the same principle described here. When you've known somebody for a while you realize aspects that you didn't perceive at the beginning. They were very probably there right from the start but you just didn't see them back then. The same way, all the information about a person you meet online is available. You just need to find a way to retrieve it.


Rule no. 2: Figure out their agendas!

Courtesy of digikuva

So as if the online media alone wasn't giving you a hard time already, here's another factor that often allows for disappointment. The other person. Yes, you've spent all the effort on creating an online profile page for yourself, sending messages to people you don't know, and have overcome your hurdles to actually meet somebody for real. And here I am, telling you that probably the biggest problem you'll have when it comes to online dating, is the other person.

That's how it is, I'm sorry.

It is because people the information you get from people is often tainted or even a plain lie. Agendas are what makes people do all that, and everybody has one. I wrote about this in a more detailed article here but to spare you going through it at this point, I'll summarize it for you here.

Agendas are behavioral patterns that each and every one of us develop as the consequence of experiences. Being left by a partner without notice, negative comments about somebody's looks, or anything else you can think of, there are uncountable situations that contribute to our agendas. We are like little kids that burn their hands on the stove and subsequently avoid being burned the same way again. And frankly, if all that somebody's looking for is sex, he is going to do everything that he thinks will make you give him what he wants. That includes promises of calling you the next day to go out for dinner. No wonder Jim Sullivan advises his readers in "Boyfriend 101" not to have sex on the first three dates.

Agendas are most of the time followed unconsciously, and most people don't even know they have one at all. So blaming others for following their agenda is not only useless because they are probably unaware of it, but also unfair because, believe me, you're doing it, too. Complaining about how evil everybody is to you is the least bit of help.

When it comes agendas in online dating, all that you can reasonably do is figuring out what agenda you're currently dealing with. This can be an enormously difficult and sometimes complex process, not only because some of us, like myself, don't always have a very reliable empathy system running, but also because figuring out an agenda always requires knowing what the person has gone through in his or her life. The more you know about the person, the more likely you are to see the underlying behavioral patterns that form their agenda. How else are you going to find out why somebody has a problem with your being HIV-positive, unless you know that he lost a partner because of AIDS and decided he'll never want an HIV-positive partner again?

By the way, the only way to lessen your own agenda is becoming aware of it and opening yourself to behavior that is contrary to it. And as much as I would love to ridden others of their agenda, everybody needs to work on their own agenda. All that we can do for others is providing a stable foundation, an asylum if you will, so that they have support when they're not feeling well.

And it just won't stop becoming more difficult.

Even if you've had a fair amount of practice in figuring out agendas, and think that you can figure out some people because their agenda is similar to what you already know, others are so different that you might doubt your senses.

The problem is that from one person to another, agendas can vary so greatly that unless you develop a very sophisticated intuition, you're likely to get lost and frustrated faster than the iPhone was sold out when it first hit the shops. As much as I would love to assure you that you will never be hurt on the Internet as it is merely a source of information that can never cause pain, that would be a plain lie. The encounters you can get into via Internet are generally not the slightest bit nicer than those you experience anywhere else. It's people that you meet, after all, and people can be everything from the most adorable sweethearts to the most low-down assholes. Quite frankly, because of the difference in perception via Internet, you're even more likely to run into assholes than into sweethearts, I am sorry to say. And yet, please confide in your intuition. The more open you are to new aspects, the less likely you are to get hurt.

This problem, however, is likely to be what some people experience and what makes them quit online dating altogether. An understandable yet sad and unnecessary consequence.

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Now, having read all this, do you think this article has provided you with an idea what to do about online dating that might help you? I'm eager to hear your opinions.

Merry Christmas

My dear friends,

All the presents are bought and wrapped, some of them already given. Groceries for the upcoming holidays are bought; Amalia is on her way to the Frankfurt airport to fly to Istanbul over the holidays; christmas cards are sent.

My family is in the Caribbean, so there is nobody I am supposed to celebrate the holidays with. The upcoming days are going to be very quiet for me.

Every one of you whom I haven't had the chance to wish merry christmas or, for the "politically correct" of you, happy holidays, I am hoping to you reach here. Have yourselves and everybody you love some peaceful days, enjoy the last exspiration of the year, and allow 2009 to make a very special dream of yours come true!

Here We Go Again Series pt 1: Why I Am Single

Courtesy of adam_is_on_flickr

Introductory Note

If you're reading this because you asked me why I was single and I gave you the link to this article, ask yourself whether you really want to know or only said it because you wanted to give me a compliment. If the latter is the case, don't bother reading on.

Everybody else go ahead.

"Why is a gorgeous man like you single?" Have you been asked this? Well I have, numeous times, actually. After the first few times it's not flattering any more because at some point I realized that there must actually be a reason why I'm single.

Please spare me comments about how deceited I am. When somebody says the above-mentioned to me, it really says more about him than it does about me. I like hearing that I'm attractive, just like everybody else, but that's where it ends.

What I'm sharing with you here is my side of the story. It's subjective, regardless of how objectively I'm trying to put it. Share your opinions with me! I want to take this as an opportunity to grow, through and with you.


Initial Thoughts

So why don't I have a partner? So many people do, having invested a lot less effort in it than I have. Why do they have partners while I don't? Aren't I made for a relationship? Am I too restless for a relationship? Too set in my ways or, to put it in other words, "just an asshole"? Afraid of intimacy? Do the "candidates" feel that I'd never be ready to settle down for anybody?


I don't want a relationship for a relationship's sake.

I see various relationships that are, well, not seeming to work out, and I call myself happy not to have what they have. The majority of their problems arises from a lack of communication, and deal with dishonesty and, essentially, the loss of trust. Some people start having sex with others behind their partner's back, some bitch at each other, try to spy on and control each other, and so on.

In short, they make both their lives miserable.
My focus, however, is to make my partner's -- and my -- life better, not worse.


Older men are afraid of being unattractive to me.

To start off making things complicated for myself, I like a very specific type of men. Very specific. Part of my focus is that I like them considerably older. Around fifteen years is ideal to me usually although I have seen big deviations from that, in both directions. My partners, however, have always been something between fifteen and twenty years older.

That alone wouldn't be so bad if age difference wasn't a problem for them. Yes, for them. If you're into older men as well, I'm not telling you anything exciting here but if you're not, this might actually be something new to you.

Age is a huge issue especially in the gay scene. Maturing has never been an issue for me. I understand how people can be afraid of aging and, ultimately, dying but I've never perceived men as being a certain age. Age doesn't matter to me. When I like somebody or find somebody hot, it's never connected to age. Then he's attractive, period. Why would anyone find somebody "hot for his age"? What condescending crap is that.

But of course there is an underlying fear that I have to deal with every time I approach an older man. Some years ago I used to hear, "I could be your father." As I turned 30, the sentence seemed to change into, "Have you thought about how it'd be in twenty years? Then you'll be 50 while I'll be 70!"

Their fear of becoming unattractive with age is apparent, and you can tell that they're thinking, "And what do I do when you break up with me when I'm 70? I'll never find a partner again!" And even if that was true, what makes them think that with a partner at equal age, this couldn't happen to them? Both of them being stuck in the same boat? Like fear was a good basis for any type of relationship.

I strongly believe in the power of now. Now is the time, and even a lifetime companionship of any type really consists of tons of now moments. If you enjoy your relationsihp every moment as it comes, why of all the things that can go wrong in a relationship would I break up with somebody because of his looks in twenty years? The odds of that are so slim that it seems very odd that anybody would think that, for a reason other than his regular fear of aging and dying.

Please be aware that unless you mentally open yourself to others, when you meet them, you really only meet yourself. Your own perception and thoughts turn everything into what you know already. When they say something, it's really you who's interpreting their sentences to be offensive or caring, kind or malevolent. By not allowing others to show us different dimensions and thereby to widen our horizons, we prevent ourselves from growing. I am confident that this is the main reason why older men think that age difference will cause problems in a long-term relationship. They probably also used to mock older men when they were younger, and now they have a hard-enough time bearing the burden of thinking they're old and unworthy of love themselves.

When you're into younger men -- and really, you have to be in order to have a relationship with me -- you probably have a huge problem in understanding how somebody could like you, the older man. My partner therefore needs to be somebody who's confident and understanding enough to feel that it's just the opposite for me. I just like older guys and couldn't have a relationship with somebody ten years younger than me. That's how it has always been.


Many cannot deal with differences and the related insecurity.

Age is not the only thing that can be different and cause problems, of course. There are tons of things that can, and probably will, be different when two people come together for whatever reason, even more so when they're of different ages.

You see, I love differences. Different ages and backgrounds show especially clearly when you talk about childhood music, your favorite movies and TV series at the time etc.. You used to listen to Carole King or the Andrew Sisters while I couldn't stop dancing to Michael Jackson and Samantha Fox. But for me, different doesn't equal bad, like it does for many. Quite the opposite, if you can show me a different corner of the world, introduce me to a new cuisine, type of music, philosophy, or anythinig else that moves you, I'm happy to dive into it. All this is going to contribute to a worldliness that I will love you even more for.

What's going to determine most of all whether a relationship is going to work out is really the interest in and readiness to deal with differences, with contrast, if you will. When people look for partners as similar to themselves as possible, what's really going on is that they're trying to avoid insecurity by staying in their cozy cocoon. If difference bothers you, this is usually a clear sign that you're busy with yourself and have no potential left to deal with anybody else. The following chapter about fear of intimacy is probably right up your alley then.

Courtesy of PieterMusterd

I have been insecure in various situations in my life but in contrast to many others, I see the potential that it brings. If the opportunity arose and if it felt right, I would accept a job on the other side of the world and move there. So when I talk to you and you're in Spain, California or even New South Wales, don't give me none of that "You're so far away" shit. When there's a will, there's a way. I've seen miracles happen.

Actually, speaking of miracles, here's another thought for you.

If you want to be my partner, you need to believe in the power of miracles. Whatever makes people think that miracles don't happen. To me, it's the other way around. If miracles don't happen, something's wrong.


Fear Of Intimacy And Lack Of Communication

Another hugely problematic factor for me has been people's fear of intimacy. As obvious as it is, no relationship is going to work out unless you trust each other. If you want to be my partner, there cannot be any secrets. None, you understand? If we can't deal with anything and everything that's on our minds, no matter how embarrassed we are of it, no matter how bad we feel about having done something, no matter how badly we want these memories to go away, then our relationship is going to be unhealthy from the start, it will eventually die and rot inside.

We need to talk to each other. If we don't, we will rather spend time aside of each other. That's not an achievable goal for me, and neither should be for anyone else.

Also, quite a number of people I know have don't-ask-don't-tell relationships, especially when it comes to having sex with others. What only extremely few people realize is that sex itself is never "the problem". Sex is just sex. It's like playing cards, going to the movies, or even working on a project together, really. What makes things problematic is the loss of trust in the partner that's almost always involved when a relationship is "opened". The partnership, however, is not suffering because of the sex but because of the implicit declaration that the partners are not willing to deal with each other any more. They open their relationship to the outside but close it to the partner. There's a break-up waiting to happen. You're not dealing with whether you're going to stay together any more; it's just a question of when and how to break up.

I need a partner who talks about what's bothering him, no matter what it is, and especially when something's not feeling well. If you wanted to have sex with somebody else while you're with me, I'd want to know. Not to control you but to be closer to you. How that makes sense, you ask? It's so easy, really. Whenever you want something like that, there is a driving desire in you, and as your partner, I want to know what it is because I want to help you and get closer to you again. Yes, I want to support you because that's what partners do. I will actually do my best to help you, even if you're about to do something that might cause a lot of regret. I do that because I know that I'm yet better off if you speak to me about it, and that you're going to do it no matter whether I have been understanding or not. Not in this very case maybe, I give you that, but I don't really care when it happens. Your urge itself is reason enough to deal with something that's keeping you busy.

I have had people assure me that they'd talk to me no matter what, but later on just didn't. It probably doesn't have anything to do with bad intentions. They just couldn't talk about their feelings. The only advantage to that is that as soon as the relationship was over, I was rid of the problem.

To round off my point, I assure you that in my relationships or during or after break-ups, there has/have never been any

• lying
• dirty laundry
  
• claiming back gifts
• broken dishes.
  

Attracting The Insecure

In the past years I have spent quite an effort on overcoming my fears, especially of insecurity. You know what happens when you do that? You get over them eventually. Yeah, big insight, I know.

And you know what happens when you get over your fears? They don't bother you any more. It's like not lying any more. All of a sudden you don't have to pay attention any more to what you told whom, who may not meet whom where, and so on. You've run free to use all this energy that you spent on nurturing your fears, avoiding the pertaining situations, and pushing away people and places that you connect with them.

Sounds good, huh? Here comes the problem.

As you start noticing mechanisms people use to make themselves and others miserable, you act accordingly and let people know what behavior and rules are acceptable for you, and which ones aren't. Some people, probably most of all the insecure, will call you arrogant and stuck in your ways. Don't blame them; they don't know the difference.

What then happens is that, following the Law of Resonance that basically states that birds of a feather (or that like your feather) flock together, you then start running into people who are astounded by the now natural security you radiate. The combination of your loving-kindness and yet determination not to be trapped in old patterns, fascinates them. You seem like the guidance to them that they've been looking for for so long. You will almost inevitably start meeting more and more insecure people, sometimes with a huge lack of self-esteem.

That alone wouldn't be a problem really for me. Actually, I would love to give support to my partner so that he'd be able to deal with what's bothering him. The problem starts with the insecure seeing you as their problem-solver. They don't notice that you can never solve their problems. You can never be the answer; you can only provide help. But instead of taking your hand on their path to solving their problems, they expect you to do it. Surprised to see that relationship running into a dead end?

Interestingly enough, I have seen long-term relationships in which both partners equally avoided their fears aside of each other. My initial suspicion that they would break every minute now, was not confirmed. My guess is that there is an underlying fear so big that it actually welds them together. Judging from what I've seen and heard, it must be the fear of loneliness and of insecurity that's achieving this. At times it can be very odd to see how partners treat each other according to such a scheme. The fights, however, seem to come up when one of the partners starts dealing with his fears while the other one doesn't. In those cases arguments are very likely to unsettle the relationship, and eventually strangle it until one of the partners runs out of breath.


Ill-Matching Agendas

Another one of the most essential problems of relationships occurs when partners look for different things in a relationship, and in life, really. If only one of them wants to live in the country while the other is a big-city person, if only one of them wants to live together, travel to Paris, or move abroad, likes heavy curtains, air conditioning or inviting a lot of friends for dinners, this alone can be a heavy load to bear. And chances are that you will find things to be problematic whereof you never thought they could be. For example, once I noticed that my partner wanted to be guided and treated as the inferior part. Obviously I would've had a hard time treating him like that, since I was fifteen years younger. But even if that roleplay had been possible I would've lead an unhealthy relationship.

Courtesy of vqm8383

My partner must meet me at eye height. I don't want him to be inferior or superior; either we are equal partners giving each other love, stability and support, or it's not going to work. As self-confident as you (and I) might think I am, I need to be able to have my weak moments when I need your support, just like I give it to you at other times.


Men in my area are generally not my type.

Are you one of those who find all sorts of men attractive? Tall or short, thick or thin, muscled or lean, big or small cock or ass, hairy or smooth, facial hair or not, blond or dark-haired, tattoos or piercings, it all doesn't matter?

Good for you. I mean it. You have all the possibilities in the world.

I am the opposite. And actually, the men in my area -- Düsseldorf -- are almost always too smooth, too blond, have no facial hair, not enough masculine facial features etc.. Most of them fly so far under my radar that I don't even notice when they eye me. In that regard, it's like they didn't exist. Düsseldorf is horrible really, I tell you.

If you feel like bringing on a ramble about how superficial I am, go ahead, do it. I've heard it various times before, and I'm fine with hearing it again and again. It won't change anything though because I never chose my type. It's always been what it is now. The chances of that to change are extremely slim.


Inability To Take The Right Steps

Any relationship has to be like a dance. It follows rules, and both partners need to keep the right distance, not too much and not too little. Too much distance would end the dance while being too close would cause the partners to step on each other's feet.

Really, taking the right steps at the right time is essential for any relationship, and some people just don't seem to get it. The problem is, obviously, if you don't take one (the appropriate) step at a time, you're likely to get nowhere. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your relationship has worked for so long that you don't have to pay attention any more. As rewarding as it can be, and as much practice as you and your partner might have at dancing together, every relationship demands and deserves attention, always. Even long-term relationships never stop needing your attention, and if that feels like a burden to you instead of savoring the reward you receive with every breath you take next to your partner, you might consider getting off the dancefloor.

But let's go back to the situation I'm in now, being single.

With many people I never get beyond chatting online because they don't seem to be interested. That alone is not a problem. If you're not interested, you're just not interested, fine. As thankful as I am for a short note that somebody's not interested, as clearly I know that most of the time I don't get one. The most explicit things are in the unspoken words, and I can live with that.

I am confident, however, that a lot of people make a major mistake in thinking that finding the right moment for actions is essential. They put things off and give me all sorts of excuses and justifications why right now they don't feel like chatting via webcam or phone, or getting together for a drink. Some might actually think that one day things will work out better.

The truth is, however, that there is never a better moment than now, and, again, there is no need for excuses. If you have no time for me now, chances are you also won't in the future, maybe for nobody else either. If you don't feel like getting to know me now, you probably never will. If you have sex with me behind your partner's back, I am not naive enough to think that if we ever become partners, you won't do that with somebody else behind my back as well. And if you don't have space for somebody else in your life, God save the poor soul that's going to fall into the trap of believing that you'll be different any time soon, in a year, or ever, for that matter. Watch out, the things that both excite and bother us are always there from the first moment on, no matter whether you meet online or in person. It's really up to us to perceive them, and I admit that I sometimes don't.

Now, considering how rarely I find somebody attractive, it shouldn't be hard to understand that whenever I actually do, my key stimuli are having a party like it's 1999. When I get a "Wow, you're hot!" from a man I find sexy, my knees occasionally start shaking and I become so insecure that I say the stupidest things, and then I'm also easily disappointed when my chat partner doesn't reflect my enthusiasm. That's my problem; let's keep it that way.

However, now is the time to do it, even if "it" is only a five-minute phone call or webcam chat, or agreeing on an appointment to do either.

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So, are you ready to dance with me, doing one step at a time, interesting in what's awaiting you and us wherever we're going to go?